Health/Psychology: Kids Say Conflict With Siblings Ranks #1

Poll finds that over a quarter of kids hit or get physical when they argue.

Kids are bound to argue and disagree. Even best friends and close siblings don't always think alike or want the same thing. But when disagreements lead to arguments, unkind words, hitting, and fighting, it can be a big deal.

A recent KidsHealth KidsPoll asked 1,245 children ages 9-13 about the conflicts they have. The poll found that kids get into arguments regularly, with 28% reporting that they argue with kids their own age every day and 25% saying they do so every week. When asked with whom they argue most, more than half of kids (54%) said they argue most with their brothers and sisters, 18% said parents, 12% said with other kids, and 10% said they argue most with friends.

Asked what they normally do when they're in an argument, 33% said they talk or work it out. However, for many kids disagreements lead to physical or verbal aggression. Over a quarter of kids (26%) reported that they hit or get in a physical fight, and 18% get angry and yell or use mean words.

"No one is born with conflict-resolution skills, like how to compromise, respect others' needs and points of view, or how to forgive, apologize, or speak up we develop those over time," explains D'Arcy Lyness, PhD, child and adolescent psychologist and medical editor for KidsHealth.org. "With some coaching from parents, kids can learn these skills and rely on them their entire lives."

KidsHealth.org, the most-visited website devoted to children's health, offers tips for parents to help them teach kids to work out their disagreements:

1. Set limits on behavior. Let kids know that it's not OK to hit, push, or shove when they argue. Be clear that these behaviors are not acceptable.
2. Get back to basics. Helping kids learn how to get along with others boils down to a few basic principles that parents should remember when helping their kids: take turns, play fair, use your words, say it nicely, apologize, and share.
3. Encourage healthy communication. Help kids learn to use words to express their feelings, thoughts, and needs.
4. Provide guidance. But do not referee or get worked up yourself. Instead of deciding who is right, help kids work out a compromise. In some situations, parents can also ask their children what they think the fair solution should be, and help them work to find a compromise.
5. Role model. Parents should make a point not to use putdowns or get physical when they're angry, and to apologize if their temper flares and causes them to say something they might regret.
6. Praise. When kids do these things well, reward them with positive feedback.

Dr. Lyness reminds parents to consider their child's individual nature and personality and remember that kids naturally have different temperaments and will react in different ways. "But all kids can benefit from their parents' understanding, patience, guidance, and role modeling as they learn to work out disagreements." She explains, "Kids who can get along well with others will have more successful relationships with their siblings, friends, teachers, coaches, and other adults."

Other findings: When asked how they apologize, the majority of kids reported that face-to-face is still #1: 41% talk in person compared with 11% who write a note, 10% who send an email or text message, and 6% who call on the phone.

The KidsHealth KidsPoll on conflict surveyed 1,245 children ages 9 to 13 across the United States at 10 member sites of the National Association of Health Education Centers (NAHEC). The survey was conducted by researchers from the Department of Health Education and Recreation, Southern Illinois University Carbondale. Survey questions were drafted with the expertise of the KidsPoll Scientific Advisory Board and Experts: Sherryll Kraizer, PhD, Director, Coalition for Children, and Jeremy P. Shapiro, PhD, Director/Creator, Peacemakers Program.

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