Health/Psychology: Fanning The Fire

I enjoy writing about sexy games to play…all the light suggestions for sparking up a marriage that are fun to read about and even more fun to try, but fun and games aside, there is so much more involved in keeping a marriage hot. Good sex and games alone aren’t enough to make a happy marriage last.

Keeping the fire alive isn’t always easy. For that matter it takes a conscious effort for most people, so let go of your pre-conceived notion that “True Love” is something that is spontaneous and automatic. Romantic notions misguide many of us into thinking that love should come effortlessly. True love is love that can pull people through the awful, trying times in a couple’s life. Most people that have enjoyed a true loving relationship will tell you that they’ve had to work ardently at it.

Many marriages fail because of the lack of communication and consideration. Sometimes when we become down, worried and unhappy we tend to focus more and more on those overwhelming feelings, which leave little left over for understanding our mates perspective, especially when we can’t figure out our own feelings. We must make open communication a habit and a priority in our relationship before things get out of hand and our lover becomes too distant. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Early in your relationship, discuss and gather ground rules about how you will communicate with one another. Make sure to create a time and space for regular airings. It can be done.

Keep in mind throughout your marriage that a love relationship will go through many hills and valleys. This sounds so cliché, but we all must learn to ride out the bad times in the valley. As anger and tension toward our mate builds, our subconscious mind (which records and stores all our thoughts including the misgivings and hurts) works at ways to keep us safe and out of danger or harms way. The subconscious will come up with some protective measures to keep one from being hurt again, potentially sabotaging the relationship. The subconscious only records. It doesn’t have the capacity to weigh and measure and consciously make decisions. It simply acts as a recording device and blindly acts on the info it picks up.

This is where you and your conscious mind must come in to negotiate and reason with the part of your mind that is incapable of making an informed/logical decision. First you must learn to communicate with yourself before you can effectively communicate with your partner, or anyone else for that matter. It becomes necessary to sort through all the recorded information. This takes time and effort and the scary word – discipline. It’s okay to pull away for a while at this time to allow yourself to do the sorting of all the info your subconscious has diligently filed away.

This can be confusing work. Sometimes we have so much stuff jumbled in our subconscious mind that it feels like it’s impossible to sort through and make any sense out of it. I can see everyone nodding his or her head in agreement. This is where making lists and writing things down can help you to decipher what it is you truly want and need to do to be happy. These simple tools can be an invaluable help. Some people work better quietly pulling away, using the solo time to slowly think things through. Some of us need to hear things out-loud, needing to verbally regurgitate everything.

It helps to have a friend that is good at listening without having to comment on everything that’s coming out of your mouth. You’re basically giving your conscious mind an opportunity to make sense out of all the blindly recorded stuff your subconscious has picked up. Once you have made some sense and sorted out the gist of what is important, you can go to your mate and be a little clearer in your communication. Allow your partner the same consideration.

The one that pulled away will eventually come back for reconnection when he or she feels ready to effectively communicate with you. Don’t imagine or second-guess what your partner is thinking or feeling. Try to stay neutral. When he does come around to communicate, never push him away. Be ready with open arms, open ears and an open heart. This is not the time to “one up” and make interjections with accusatory or defensive remarks (these remarks usually stem from past hurts). So sit down, remain open and listen attentively.

All this may still not be enough when it comes to matters where you both just can’t see eye to eye. This is the time to seek help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. It means that you care enough to do the work needed to make your partnership work. It means you are strong enough to face your fears and, with help, work through them. If you don’t face these fears, you will be stuck and unable to grow. Remember that at the beginning of a relationship, when you’re starting fresh with no baggage from each other, you need to learn the skills needed to keep your relationship running smooth. Sometimes one may become involved with someone who is not willing to do his or her part. When this is the case, don’t just stop and stay stuck because they refuse to grow. Do the work for yourself and you will either be a good example for your love to follow, or you will have the strength to be able to move on and out of the relationship. Either way, you’re moving upwards and this is the way to go.

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Article courtesy Ladyfire.com at http://www.Ladyfire.com. Build your passion for life – create your own reality! Ladyfire offers expert advice, inspirational articles, stories, and techniques to build a foundation of empowerment for realizing your dreams. Ladyfire's focus: sexuality, romance, spirituality, civil and environmental responsibility, humor, the paranormal, relationships, love, health, passion, power!