Culture & Community: How Same-sex Marriage Affects Gay Couples

Everything you ever wanted to know but were afraid to ask about the effect that gay marriage has on couples, friends and families.

A study conducted 13 months after same-sex marriage in Massachusetts became legal found that obtaining legal protections and making a public statement of commitment were the most often mentioned motivations for same-sex marriage. It also found that lack of family approval and difficulties planning and paying for the wedding were the most noted obstacles to marriage. The study, “Attractions and Obstacles While Considering Legally Recognized Same-Sex Marriage,” was conducted by Pamela J. Lannutti, PhD, associate professor of communication at Boston College and was published in the Journal of GLBT Family Studies.

“The arrival of same-sex marriage brings up many issues that often lurk in the background in families. It forces same-sex couples and their parents to confront their deepest feelings about same-sex love,” said Robert-Jay Green, PhD, executive director of Rockway Institute, a national center for psychology research, education, and public policy on sexual orientation and gender issues.

For this study, Lannutti’s sample of 263 partners in same-sex couples had an average relationship duration of 7.5 years. Seventy-two percent had gotten legally married in the 13 months after same-sex marriage became legal in Massachusetts, and 28 percent planned to marry within 16 months. Attractions to marriage listed by the respondents included legal protections (24 percent), making a public statement of commitment (20 percent), feelings for partner (15 percent), means to acknowledgement from family (14 percent), legal protection for help in having children (13 percent), means to acknowledgement from friends (eight percent), political reasons (four percent) and religious reasons (two percent).

The couples’ comments converged around the theme that security was an important motivation for marriage. One person said “We thought we should get married so that we could take better care of each other as we got older; or if someone got sick… nobody could take our right to provide for each other away.”

Another concern was raising children. One man who had adopted a son with his partner said “It felt like maybe after that marriage, nobody could threaten our family.” Couples mentioned a desire to declare their commitment publicly. They also mentioned the need to make a public statement. “It seemed wrong to be a committed couple with the right (to marry) and not use it,” said one. Another said “we want our presence felt when they try to take marriage away from us in the future.”

Obstacles to marriage included lack of family approval (41 percent), difficulties in funding and planning the ceremony and reception (27 percent), philosophical or political objections to marriage (14 percent), the legal limitations of same-sex marriage in Massachusetts such as no federal recognition or benefits of marriage ( (10 percent), lack of approval from friends (four percent), or unresolved previous relationships (four percent). “Lack of family approval” usually meant parents’ approval, Lannutti reported.

“We almost didn’t get married because my parents were so angry and mean about it,” said one female participant. “We almost changed our minds about getting married,” said a male participant, “We thought our families were OK with us as a couple, but when we wanted to send out wedding invitations, his parents freaked out.”

Couples reported their most frequent strategy for overcoming these obstacles was to ignore them (58 percent). Other strategies included discussing the obstacle with their partner (22 percent), discussing the obstacle with the person causing it (eight percent), or engaging in political action (12 percent), such as demonstrating, donating money and volunteering in activist causes.

The above data gathered 13 months after same-sex marriage was legal in Massachusetts complemented earlier data Lannutti had gathered in 2003-2004, before same-sex marriage was legal. The earlier study titled “The Influence of Same-Sex Marriage on the Understanding of Same-Sex Relationships” was published in the Journal of Homosexuality.

Two-thirds of the 288 participants in the earlier research were in a relationship that had lasted 1-36 years. Approximately 59 percent of the participants were women, 39 percent were men and two percent (six individuals) did not report their gender. Participants reported that the “possibility of legal marriage” made them feel different about the place of their relationship in the larger society, “making the relationship more real, serious or secure.” Said one participant: “[The prospect of same-sex marriage becoming legal] not only makes me take my relationship more seriously, it’s making me take my country more seriously.” After always feeling on the outside of the law, “my relationship counts and I count, too.”

Lannutti reported that the possibility of legal marriage had “the potential to shift the way outsiders saw the relationship.” Among those outsiders were employers and family members who would gain a clearer understanding of the relationship because it was now called a marriage, rather than a “union” or “partnership.” The mere prospect of a legal status “shifts the meaning of relationships for the members of the couples themselves,” Lannutti found. Many participants reported the possibility of legal marriage made them feel their relationship was more legitimate. Some contrasted legal marriage to a commitment ceremony without legal status, saying that having a ceremony after same-sex marriage became legal would be “not just some sort of parody or pretend wedding.” Another declared “I want to do it now because it does count.”

Lannutti found the possibility of marriage can change the criteria for potential relationship partners. Some participants who did not favor getting married feared they would have difficulty finding potential partners who agreed. Participants reported looking at current relationships more carefully, and considering different characteristics when dating prospective partners. “Just having the option to marry, whether we use it or not, is changing us already,” said one.

The availability of legal marriage also brought to the surface long-hidden feelings about romance, Lannutti reported. Some participants realized “their desire for idealized ‘traditional’ romance in their relationships,” she wrote. Others “realized their resistance to the romantic ideal.” Because marriage has not been an option, many participants have ‘put away’ thoughts of traditional ceremonies and romantic symbols. Legalizing marriage suddenly made those abandoned dreams possible. Lannutti concluded “Whether a same-sex couple marries or not, same-sex marriage may have an influence on their relational outcomes.”

In commenting on the two research studies, Dr. Green concurred: “With the arrival of same-sex marriage in Massachusetts and now in California, we are just beginning to understand the psychological deprivation that has been imposed on lesbian and gay people, who have been excluded from marriage for centuries. Dr. Lannutti’s study supports what social scientists have long suspected – nothing short of marriage conveys the same multifaceted symbolic meanings nor evokes the same sense of hopefulness about finding life-long psychological intimacy in a relationship.”

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